In 1996, I weighed 225 pounds. It was the biggest I had ever been. Two-twenty-five is not a lot for some people. For me, it’s huge. I tend to gain weight in my face and waistline. I am genetically thin, as a Lundholm. When I graduated from high school, I was 6 feet, 135 pounds.

In August of ‘96, I was working in Florida and felt so badly about the way I looked, I wouldn’t go to the beach. I was horribly intimidated by mirrors, food, or working on stage in front of hundreds of people. I knew this! I don’t think the audience could tell, but one never knows.

I decided to make a change. Well, several changes, actually. Here are a few:

1) No “fast food”. Never. Never.

2) Skim milk only. “Yuk” at first, but worth it.

3) 30 minutes of exercise daily. Do something!

4) No meals after 10:00 PM. Non-fat snacks only.

5) At least one glass of water per meal.

6) Big breakfast, smaller meals as day goes on.

7) Eat more often (4 or 5 meals daily), less volume.

Lots of chicken (circumsized), shredded wheat.

9) When eating out, I don’t eat everything on my plate. The cook doesn’t decide how big my portions are . . . I do.

10) Slow down! Take time, enjoy, relax, dine!

Right here, I will distance myself from any liability as to anyone following these suggestions. They are suggestions only. This process has worked for me. I am not educated in the areas of nutrition, health, diet or exercise. Just the opposite, really. I am an expert when it comes to abuse, over-doing it, or gluttony of any nature. I have pork potential you would not believe. Need facts? Ask a doctor. I am a comic. Fat isn’t funny when it’s mine.

Today, I weigh 175 pounds. I am still 6 feet tall. I am forty years old and have never felt better. I have more energy than I did when I was twenty, sixteen, or on crank! I still follow this program, except I exercise at least an hour each day. Good for the brain. Endorphin thing, creative juices, solid white hot thought. Clear-mindedness comes with the rush, when it’s healthy.

Are you worth making changes for? I don’t know all of you, but I believe all of you are . . . worth it, I mean. After all, how many bodies do you get?

“So…how long have you been clean?”

“When did you get sober?”

………..who gives a shank?

I gave up wondering how much recovery someone has a long time ago. It’s easier for me to listen to someone speak if I don’t care about time. Just for today. I’ve heard someone with 34 years sober talk like an angry idiot newcomer. There is also the occasional “youngster” who will knock me sideways with a message.

However, I don’t believe “we all just have today” either. I guarantee you that I would not trade my today with someone who has been sober for for only three. I remember. Thank you.

I giggle (on the inside) when I see an N.A. person with colored key tags all strung together down their pant leg. Rainbow of insecurity. If you have to advertise that hard, how good could it be? There really is humility in the eleventh Tradition regarding anonymity and no promotion. I’ve heard recovery called an “inside job”. What color are you in there? Do you care?

There is huge difference between a walk in the sun and a walk on the sun. One feels good, the other….bye, bye. I have worked for many organizations, facilities and foundations. I have never worked at one. I don’t think I could. I speak at a place with out speaking for that place. The show is too controversial to please everyone. The subject matter is disturbing at times, hilarious at others….sometimes both in the same sentence. Come out and you’ll see.

I make a living writing comedy about a disease that kills people every day, How is that funny? Sometimes it isn’t. That is called balance. I get mail from all over the world every week. Most is powerfully positive and complimentary toward the process. These are people who realize I am talking to a group, and not for them. Opinionated as we all are, we don’t need to agree on everything. That excites me. Every night.

Even the criticism I receive is honest, helpful and necessary. I love it all. It means someone has allowed themselves to be affected by my work. Affected implies change, and change determines growth..and, well, growth is life! Simple isn’t it?

If you believe in God, then you know God works through people, not for them. Big difference there. If people don’t think so much about themselves and think more for themselves, God’s job gets easier…and I must say with all humility…so does mine.

Have some fun for a change…take that any way you like,,,,,

“As a child I was a thinker. I remember wondering how a mother would breast feed triplets.”

“The Old Days: When I only used the word God during orgasm.”

“I love my nine year old daughter more than anything on earth…I’ve already started saving for her Rehab.”

“Time means a lot. “Age” allows “Mess” to become “Message”. That’s why the 12th step is last!”

“My first grade teacher said “Okay, Mark, tell us everything you know about the letter H. I said, “That’s Jesus’ middle initial!”

“Children are computers. An infant is a laptop.”

“The day I can’t learn from a newcomer is the day I become one.”

“My wife said, “You never drank like this before we were married!” I said, “Oh, so you admit it’s your fault!”

“God has huge plans for your future, but today they are none of your business.”

“The longer you live, the more alive you become.”

“The squeaky wheel……….gets replaced!”

Life may not be fair, but it is always in balance. I can’t always see the equality of a single day, but its out there somewhere. People who find contentment have acheived a level of perception that allows them to locate themselves within the circle of life’s liberties and restraints.

Certainly available to all of us, these boundaries feel more flexible the more alive an individual feels, or is it the other way around? Does a rigid existence have to be maintained no matter what? For some people! I believe they believe that. The older and more frail my body becomes, the more my mind needs to free itself from the confines of physical limitations. The baby has a limber, loose anatomy because the imagination and orientation are narrow. The mature adult has no boundaries, except those of aging, gravity and close-mindedness. Life provides the opportunity to see fairness or unfairness, because life itself is neither. It is a doorway through which we pass……..Knock, knock…….

You can’t mix paper mache and glass blowing. Opposites attract…but not for long. Relationships become like a piece of origami art. Intricate, beautiful, unique to the recently introduced observer. Each layer a new level of intimacy and understanding. Every crease a tender development and addition to the basic fabric of what makes two people whatever couple they decide to become. Some creations are simple and easy to recognize, some are unappreciated by outsiders who “don’t get it”. Some are best watched from a distance and left alone and others are so common, they make no distinct impression at all. But relationships, all of them, as in origami, always take much less time to unfold than they do to build.

Go gently,
Paper Boy

Information is the oxygen of recovery. The basic ingredient for growth and survival. Without information, there is no knowledge, no identification of what ails us. Without identification, no remedy. Too simple, right? Yes!!

Remember refusing to accept information, based on the source? “I don’t like that guy!” So I didn’t pay attention to what he said. Myself, I have a tendency to discount someone’s opinion (even if it’s fact) just because I dislike their personality. I struggle with this professionally and therapeutically. Don’t look like me? Don’t think like me? Don’t sound like me? Good! You are wrong or insignificant in my recovery….Goodbye.

Then it occurs to me….I need air. I’m suffocating in my own arrogance. Help! Best way I can describe the thought process is this: If your two-year-old child was pulled from a swimming pool unconscious, not breathing, would you care for half a second whose mouth was put on that little face to puff air into the lungs? Me neither. So, why am I so selective when it comes to good advice and sound logic? I don’t know, but if you want to tell me…….

In many ways life is like music. It is appreciated differently by people and sometimes not at all depending on the individual’s taste or personal choice. Do you think Lynyrd Skynyrd’s “Free Bird” sounds the same to a bass player as it does to a vocalist? A drummer? What’s the difference between a violin and a fiddle? Not much. But a lot, at the same time. With life, some people learn to play, some excel at one particular variation. Most, unfortunaltely only listen. They never learn to participate in the song itself. They observe. Or worse, they ignore it altogether.

It is a special breed who make music, strum life, change chords, begin another tune, play it to the end, begin again. Personal attributes, assets, defects of character are the instrument. People are different sounds. Fact is, it takes more than one player to make music come alive. Why solo? Life is so much richer when it is shared? Enjoy the tune today.Whatever today’s tune happens to be. Go play something! Or turn it off…. Because sometimes too many sounds only create noise.